Shame and Fear are the Real Enemies

My family of origin liked to tease each other. Relentlessly. It was almost as if, the more someone loved you, the crueler they would be to you. So, I grew up thinking cruel teasing meant love. 

When I left my family of origin, I realized that cruel teasing felt like abuse to other people. It took me a long time to shake off those habits I learned from a very young age and actually treat the people I love lovingly. 

Then, after many years away, I moved back to the small town where I was born. And, fairly quickly I realized that it wasn't just my family who behaved this way, it was the entire town. This was an uncomfortable recognition for me and it created an untenable situation for my children in the local, public schools.

What I have learned since returning to this town steeped in cruel teasing... where the only way to demonstrate (or even hint at) emotion is to be mean to other people... is that this behavior is shame-based. It seems the very feeling of love or care or even connection is embarrassing and shameful to most folks here. Especially the men. 

The scariest thing about this cruel-teasing-as-love / deep-positive-emotions-are-shameful vibe is that the flipside to these positive emotions is just pure, fearful hate. If you treat the people you love with cruel teasing (i.e., abuse), imagine how you treat the people you fear and therefore hate? It's somewhat terrifying. 

And, the hard truth of this phenomenon is that this small town that I was born into and moved back to... is probably just a really good example of a small, rural, Midwestern American town. And the folks who operate from this if-I-love-you-I'm-mean-to-you / if-I-fear-you-I-hate-you vibe are legion. 

Shame and fear may be our real enemy. But so many of us seem to feel so much of both, without reflection or awareness, that we may never see beyond the human enemies we've made from them. 

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